Oxford Literary Festival

Boris will be appearing at the Oxford Literary Festival on Sunday 26th March at 12pm to talk about his new book The Dream of Rome.

The Sunday Times Oxford Literary Festival is in its tenth year and will be held at Christ Church, one of the most beautiful and renowned of Oxford colleges. Against this marvellous backdrop you will hear writers talk about their books, their inspiration, their passions.

You can book by telephone on 0870 343 1001
More details are on the Festival Website.

28 Boris Johnson
The Dream of Rome
12 pm • £8.00 • Christ Church
Focusing on how the Romans made Europe work as a homogenous civilization and looking at why we are failing to make the EU work in modern times, Boris Johnson considers the lessons we could learn from the Romans and how we could apply them to our present-day politics. Complementing the BBC 2 series, his book, The Dream of Rome, sees him travelling throughout what was the Roman Empire to uncover the secrets of its governance and the reasons behind why the Romans held such power and prestige for so long.

83 thoughts on “Oxford Literary Festival”

  1. Sounds fabulous. Wish I had airfare; it’s now cheaper to fly Vancouver-London than it is to fly Vancouver-Toronto. And who wants to go to Toronto anyway?

    *runs off to panhandle*

    Maybe I’ll make more if I promise not to come back? Hmmmmm.

  2. How amazing – are you really so far away raincoaster? You seem so in touch with the issues from previous posts and close to home territory…..

  3. Awww. Yes, I am that far away. I live on this site because the quality of debate is higher than any I can find at the Tyee etc. Also, the Guardian is the single best source of news in the Anglosphere.

  4. As you might know (although probably not) we have a Tory here in BC, too. We didn’t elect a Tory; we elected a Liberal, and two weeks after the election he crossed the floor for a Cabinet post.

    I’m wondering if we could work out some kind of International Tory Exchange; Emerson would probably go for it, because he’s now about as popular as anthrax around these parts. Know any Tories interested in heading West for a short holiday?

    You’d have to put up with Emerson, though.

  5. Scene in David Cameron’s office – late 2005.

    DAVID: I would like to offer you the shadow post of minister for higher education.

    BORIS: Oh cripes – golly – I mean thanks. You’ve just offered me a very large cream cake and I’m going to wolf it down. No ifs or buts or quibbles. In one delicious slurping motion I shall dispose of said cake and accept!

    DAVID: Good, Boris. Of course a man of your intellect will realise I said I would LIKE to offer you this post. I didn’t say I was definitely going to do so. Now – Boris you have something of a reputation as a controversialist – to use one of your metaphors, you are the sort of chap who won’t let the soap suds settle in the bath – who keeps playing with the bubbles.

    BORIS: (Chortling appreciatively). I get you. Always stirring things up – I see.

    DAVID: So number one, you’ll have to give up the Spectator editorship. That’s far too dangerous an activity for you.

    BORIS: Ah I thought as much. Yes. I agree.

    DAVID: And no more books like that 72 Virgins nonsense. Whatever were you thinking of? We’re not going to looking like a modern party if you’re poking fun at Muslim beliefs are we? And you know how bloody sensitive they are.

    BORIS: Righto – no more novels.

    DAVID: And your website – you’re going to have to make it a lot more DULL.

    BORIS: I see.

    DAVID: If we’re going to be a serious party of government we can’t have people freely discussing matters on our websites. We need discipline. You know: Alisitair Campbell, pagers, on message – all that stuff. Of course you and I behind closed doors can discuss these things, but let’s not let the rabble have their say – keep it safe and dull…

    BORIS: OK – boss – U de man as they say or text or whatever it is…and thanks for the job David – I mean Dave.

    DAVID: No problem, Boz.

  6. Sorry! Off topic again but…

    The Oxford Pro-Test demo was so refreshing. Many people said how glad they were that they had a chance to say what they thought about the animal rights lot. Favourite banner – Vegetarians against the ALF. New experience for me – enthusiastically applauding a Liberal Democrat, Evan Harris, as he talked real liberalism about freedom within the law, as well as a lot of other good stuff. A scientist friend of mine, who initially said she did not dare show up, and with some good reason I think, did join the demo. Well done that lady!

    This was a superb challenge to the animal rightists claiming of the moral high ground, with good reasoned arguments about why humans come before animals yet acknowledging the need to avoid unnecessary suffering. Compassionate rationality was bursting out everywhere!

    Got back to hear some animal rights looney on the talking radio saying how if given the choice between saving an animal or a human from a fire she would save the animal. Despite that, the day showed that there might be hope for the dear old human race after all.

    I feel rather good and I haven’t opened the cooking sherry yet.

  7. field, that was scary; where did you hide the microphone?

    If I may continue to go off-topic, I would just like to share with you my acute pain at learning that my own blog, Terminal City, which I have posted at five times a week since 2002, has just gone offline permanently. And the posts are unrecoverable, too.


    We now return you to our regularly scheduled Borisblog.

  8. Thanks Melissa and Jack. I appreciate the support. Nothing like losing essentially two entire books to cause a panic attack. Will try to have something worth reading at some point soon.

  9. Field, it sounds like what you are saying is that this blog did provide an opportunity discuss issues and now all we have to comment on is PR regarding Boris’s literary festival, his TV work etc.
    I’ve got to agree. Its all starting to become a bit tepid and self serving. Is this what we will come to expect of a Conservative government?

  10. Sorry raincoaster, don’t have a TV. Had to look it up on Google.

    I thought it was something to do with Mrs. Simpson and Edward VIII.

  11. Charlotte, there’s some pretty thought-provoking stuff going on in the Higher Learning section.

    My expectations of a Conservative government, with which my nation is unfortunately faced, are somewhat more…vivid. From this distance, it seems like New Labour has a lock on the tepid and self-serving. As a lefty, I have to say that it’s a sad day when I accept a Conservative government in hopees of re-animating the socialists and Trudeau Liberals.

    I can post what I like here, since nobody’s sure most of the new Canadian government can read. They’re from Alberta, you see.

  12. Watch it raincoster! I think Alberta’s twinned with my home kingdom of East Anglia!

  13. Charlotte et al

    I’ve been to the Oxford Literary Festival several times, usually accompanying a small son or daughter to listen to the likes of Jacqueline Wilson. Once or twice I have popped along in the company of She Who Must Be Obeyed to then wander separately, I to a talk by the late Humphrey Carpenter on Tolkien and Lewis and the light of my life to one of those rather more edgy sessions with Ian McEwan. Both of us had a good time in our respective comfort zones. And that’s what a literary festival is – an eclectic collection of comfort zones. Nothing wrong with that. Better than a rap concert aka a discomfort zone.

    Boris and Melissa are gracious host and hostess. So it may be unmannerly for a guest to suggest this but I will anyway.

    Surely we can and do start our own little sub threads with greater or lesser success. It’s better than a conversation in a pub in that most of us reading something attempt to engage brain before keyboard. (I know that pub conversations are better in the sense that in the pub, it is obvious what is wrong with the other fellow’s point of view if only they will let you speak but we need a range of delights to avoid jading of the intellectual palate).

    Anyway I’m going to have another go about the ProTest rally and risk being even more churlish by asking Boris to give us something on the topic of animal rights fascists and those who have at last turned out against them. I think they (the ProTesters) need all the support they can get because, despite a good start, they may end up like the various peace movements in Northern Ireland. And Boris as I said elsewhere

    You are an Oxford man
    Your constituency is nearby
    You are shadow thingummy for higher education.

    Apologies for churlishness

  14. Jack, I’m so glad to hear that Alberta is twinned with East Anglia. Perhaps, like the smarter, slighter, more appealing twin in so many domestic dramas, you could take a selfless interest in the well-being of your lumbering knucklewalker of a brother and work to elevate him, if only by example. I look forward to the changes coming, no doubt as soon as Albertans get over their prejudice against you for being “East” Anglia, and not “West.” Don’t let them drink too much, or they start talking about separatism.

    On another note, Jack: is the Oxford Literary Festival a teaching event, or is it more a celebrity petting zoo sort of thing? By that I mean it was hard to judge from the site whether the speakers would be going on about “The market for literary fiction about petunias,” “Maintaining erotic tension in your alliterative verse,” or “The time I got drunk with Margaret Atwood.”

    Sorry, don’t know enough about the parameters of the protests to give an opinion there. But it is good to see both sides comfortable in using their free speech; too often “Protester” means only one side is talking.

  15. raincoster

    The rest of England tell jokes about us just because we meet our sisters at barn dances and have webby feet. It’s not cool to tell jokes about the Irsih, Scots, Welsh or Northerners anymore.

    My impression (limited) is that the Oxford Literary Festival is a feel-good thing, with a fair amount of coat hem touching going on but there’s nothing wrong with that. The worst casualty is a bruised ego when your carefully formulated question meets with a blank stare from your literary hero of the moment.

    The ProTest thjing isn’t so much about two sides. One side has a terrorist element which attacks people, digs up graves and has issued death threats against anyone – from third kitchen boy to chancellor – associated with Oxford University. They have already stopped a lab being built at Cambridge. No doubt many of the non-terrorist element are sincere but I suspect that the links between the political wing and the armed wing may be like that between Sinn Fein and the IRA.

    If you’re interested look at


    Did Michael Ignatieff get elected?

  16. Yes, he did. There’s significant talk of him as the next leader of the Liberal Party; Paul Martin has said he will step down, and there will be a leadership convention fairly soon. I hope to be a delegate, but have to get to work on string-pulling or something.

    My remark about two sides speaking out was just to say that when you hear about “protesters” you generally assume they’re anti-establishment. In this case there are people organizing and protesting both for and against vivisection, and I’m glad to see that. Hard to have a debate when one side is ignoring/shouting at the other. It’s important to differentiate, too, between the nutbars who dig up bodies and say they’ll kill humans, and the people who simply want to replace what they consider to be outmoded scientific habits. It’s perfectly possible, for instance, to learn how to set bones by using cadavers; there’s no reason to, as some areas do, deliberately break animals’ bones to teach new doctors. Beagles can’t debrief the intern much better than a cadaver can.

    Maybe what we have here is a spectrum of belief, being represented in the media by its two extremes.

  17. Melissa

    Hello Jack Ramsey – good to have your views on sub-threads and animal rights fascists. Boris has written on this before and criticised those who attacked laboratories in Cambridge.

    I agree this is better than a pub anyday. Keep coming!

  18. Melissa

    Many thanks for reply, dear e-chatelaine.

    I’m sure Boris has done so (written before) but I think and hope that last weeks rally could be a significant step. Anyway if he has a spare moment in between books …..


    I’m a bit of a (critical) fan of Prof. Ignatieff.

    Do I take it that you are in the Liberal party?

  19. Jack: Me too, and yes. I worked on the John Manley campaign the last time there was a leadership contest. Went in to work one day and the security guard smiled (for once in his life: he was probably from Alberta) and said, “Got good news and bad news. Good news is, you made the cover of the paper. Bad news is, you’re unemployed.”

    Got some reservations about Ignatieff, but having been raised under Pierre Trudeau’s government, I’m rather fond of glossy, political intellectuals. I mean, I am here.

    And it is sadly apparent to me that you’ve never met an Albertan. Wiebo Ludwig is a nice example. Fundamentalist Christian blowing things up, yammering about the Bavarian Illuminati, and shooting teenagers in his spare time. There are also a heapin’ helpin’ of practicing polygamist communities in Alberta (there are some in BC, but we think they just got lost). If there’s ever a Canadian Waco-style showdown, it’ll be in Alberta.

    Actually, being Canadian, we’d probably just send them increasingly strong-worded emails.

  20. Draft Ignatieff Website

    Stolen from Wikipedia:
    A SES Poll – Liberal Leadership poll found the following:

    Question: Regardless of the party you support, who would be your choice to succeed Paul Martin as Liberal leader? (Read and Rotate)

    Unsure 28%
    Ken Dryden 14%
    Michael Ignatieff 12%
    Bob Rae 12%
    Belinda Stronach 11%
    Frank McKenna 7%
    Brian Tobin 7%
    Anne McLellan 4%
    Joe Volpe 3%
    Martin Cauchon 1%
    Other 2%

    So he doesn’t score as high as the hockey star of my youth, but at least he out-polls Belinda Stronach, a woman whose only qualification for office is having outlived the man who left her all that money.

  21. Jack R

    I can only say in reply that you are a dear e-commentator given your patience and intellect shown on this site for so long

  22. So not tepid and self serving but rather hot and and rather great? You may be right. I may have over looked the higher education section and yes one can chat about anything really regardless of prompts. But that Field may still be on to something. Or not. No doubt its just a natural reflection of Boris’s change in jobs

  23. I’d never call Tories “hot and great” (being an old skool socialist) but I can, at least in the current circumstance, call them potentially transformative. Things need shaking up. In the UK, New Labour has abandoned the left and runs essentially on a platform of trendy-driven middle-class appeasement. In Canada, the NDP is just beginning to rise from the dead, and the Liberals threw away whatever cred they had with the huge Chretien advertising $ scandal. It’s a shame Martin had to fall on his sword for stuff Chretien did, but this is the way it always is in politics. Mulroney got away with murder, and it ended up killing Kim Campbell, one of the few Tories I can actually respect. Although that “twist” incident was pretty mortifying.

  24. re Boris’ carefully cultivated untidy hair, shirt hanging out etc:

    “We have such a powerful class system, and the essence of aristocracy or gentlemanliness was not making an effort,”

  25. And I wonder why I screwed my link up again; it looked okay in the preview. Or is it that on Tory sites one can only link to the Spectator?

  26. raincoaster – my preview for html looks like this for The Tyee for example:

    add < a then href then =http then ://the tyee.ca (or other link) end with /">
    and < and /a>

    hope that works

  27. Sadly, despite Melissa’s enthusiastic recommendation, I must report that Irish Breakfast tea is not the slightest bit hallucinogenic. On to yerba mate!

  28. Irish breakfast tea did , after all. help Joyce to produce Ullyses. It must be vaguely hallucinogenic.

    [ A tip: start reading at chapter 4]

  29. Oh hey, no pressure there! Writer’s block here I come!

    *bangs head on keyboard*

    I have a 600-word, birds and bees-themed singles club email to get to my boss by dawn. Thanks alot.

    Where’s that damn tea?

  30. Strangely, it seems to be helping. Although it is quite obvious that if there is a God and he likes classical verse, I am going to burn in hell forever.

    Here’s an example. Canadian/UK translations you need: First of all, I’m ghostwriting this for a man, I’m not gay; George is a posh local bar; everyone here drinks nothing but fruit-based Martinis it seems; and last year at least EVERYONE was on the bloody Atkins diet. Everyone in Vancouver is always on a diet. Anyway, behold (some of) what I do for a living. Oh, the humanity! Pray for me, friends.

    Tall thriving Trees confessed the fruitful Mold
    I paid good money to have removed.
    The reddening Apple ripens here to Gold,
    But Paltrow’s girl’s too young to groove.
    Here the blue Fig with luscious Juice overflows,
    A George Martini’s too good to spill.
    With deeper Red the full Pomegranate glows,
    Hey, four or five and I’ve had my fill.
    The Branch here bends beneath the weighty Pear,
    Although she’s Atkins all the way
    and verdant Olive flourishes round the Year.
    I dated her. Let’s party, eh?
    – Attributed to “Homer” (Simpson?)

  31. The poem is ripe with non-gay Freudian references, or is it merely my overactive imagination.

    Could it be true that George’s fruit
    Is he who mixes drinks behind the bar.
    Who uses Atkins as a mere excuse; another route
    To shed obesity’s cloak, and thus return his weight to par?

  32. Mac! Are you trying to do me out of a job?!?!?!?! Thank god my boss doesn’t know about this website.

    Don’t blame me for the Freudian references: the first and every second line after that is authentic Homer. I’m far too unoriginal to make a whole poem myself. You should see what I did with Wordsworth! It’s late and I forget the name of that verse form, but Dorothy Parker was, of course, on it like white on rice. She used to take all the stuffiest poems she could find and splice them with some quite vulgar, but very funny, lines.

    And it’s uncanny: have you been to George? How do you know the bartender?

  33. Sorry to come back so quickly. I missed out on a chance to versify an answer. Unlike me !

    Try this :
    The facts are there, for all to see,
    Presented well: to you from me.
    You need to view the facts askance:
    Give lateral thought a fighting chance.

  34. Relating back to Boris’ article of…what, a week ago? Two weeks? Climate Change as Religion.

    It appears the BBC can read, although it appears it cannot reference source material:

    The Green God by Martin Livermore

    Environmentalism has become a religion, writes Martin Livermore in this week’s Green Room; humans should take off their hair shirts, and enjoy the lifestyles which progress has created.

    Sounds vaguely familiar.

  35. Please would you pass on to Boris my congratulations for his new book “The Dream of Rome”. I have recently finished reading it found it to be a very entertaining and informative read. I am one of those “dodgy” people who study for the sake of it and I am currently doing a course in Classics with the Open University and thoroughly enjoying it. This book is full of interesting facts which I’m sure will be useful. Even though I’m not a Tory, I agree with Boris on many issues and if he was my MP I’d be inclined to vote for him. I’d love the opportunity to discuss ancient history with him.

  36. What happend to the tea ? I hope your remark about the bar had something to do with the high jump, rather than the one at George,( tender though it might be ).

  37. I have another 900 words to write tonight, not to mention re-working my resume to help get a proper day job (deadline Monday) so I thought I would ramp things up a bit. I’m currently working a nice buzz from an entire pot of Starbucks’ best. Will be moving on to Jasmine tea when I start to flag.

    The height of the bar referred to the literary standard of the post; it’s a bit like being a showjumper. As soon as you get over the damn thing, they make it tougher. I don’t want to be forced to post my parody of The Raven! And if you’d read it, you also would not want me to be forced to post it.

  38. Ah, but if you’re the slightest bit boosterish, you might be interested in this:

    The Narnia Rap Battle

    Saturday Night Live showed an amusing New York-based rap about going to watch the Narnia movie. This is the homesite of the Los Angeles response, and I encourage you to watch them in order. They also host the Midwestern Narnia raps. I’m currently working on a Vancouver Naria rap, which is only natural, as we actually have a sailboat in False Creek called the Dawn Treader.

    So far I haven’t got much past:

    R to the E to the Reepicheep
    Don’t give me allegory, cuz this rap’s not that deep!

  39. You’ve beat me girl, I’m such a sap
    Don’t understand this alien rap.
    I need a song to tell the tale,
    Don’t dig the rapsters patois wail.
    If music were of love the food
    They surely starve, the rapster’s brood

  40. Think Boris might do a Henley one? There’s nothing in the rules about avoiding iambic pentameter, and it might actually work. Gotta have an Oxonian enter the great Narnia Rap Battle!

  41. raincoster

    Off topic but you mentioned Oxonians. Oxford University students have voted to retain sub fusc dress for examinations – sort of black suits, bow ties and white shirts. Last week they struck out against ALF terrorists, this week they vote to retain a delightfully, quaint outmoded and useless tradition. Boris must be proud to be an Oxford man!

  42. Apparently not, at least until they give Thatcher an honorary degree. See Higher Learning for details. Personally, I wouldn’t give Thatcher anything but a subpoena or a kick in the rear, but then, I didn’t go to Oxford.

  43. Thanks, Melissa. Jack, I understand what sub fusc is now, but what the heck is supra fusc then? Its existence seems to be implied, yet it isn’t even googleable. There must be a conspiracy involved somewhere. Perhaps it’s the uniform required in the presence of the Bavarian Illuminati?

  44. If you’re on poetry, I sent this to my bank manager last week:

    Your first is in tread but not found in Reading, your second is in work and also in wedding.

    Your third is a vowel, the first in the list and your last quenches thirst but won’t make you…..drunk.

    No response yet, probably can’t work it out.

    Not surprising given their performance in other areas.

  45. Didn’t take me long. But then, I’ve had an entire pot of Jasmine Oolong and three Ibuprofen today.

    Joe, I hope for your sake you have a fixed-rate mortgage. Eventually he’ll show it to his wife and THEN you’re going to get it!

  46. I don’t have a mortgage and my bank manager is a woman.

    In the (unlikely) event that she shows it to her husband, I’ll be suprised if I even get a phone call. Any such un-moderated communication will open her up to a tirade of (totally justified) verbal abuse pertaining to fiscal negligence and observations regarding whether she would be happier running a chip shop than a retail bank.

    Anyway, I’m not convinced she can read. Maybe she should attend the Oxford Literary Festival.

    I’ll recommend it if she phones me.

  47. Joe M

    Subtle way of saying what you think – she’ll have to laugh when the penny drops

  48. I wouldn’t trust a bank manager who drops money…but then, Joe seems to indicate that her abilities lie elsewhere anyway. If she can figure it out, perhaps you could suggest a course in English Literature, as playing on her greater, rather than her lesser, strengths?

  49. Just got an e-mail from the bank’s (no names, no pack drill) head office regarding:

    “…your apparent dissatisfaction with our service…”

    They claim a “stakeholder” will be contacting me shortly.

    Presumably to impale the b**ch.

  50. An open letter to the bank:
    To whom it may concern:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for thirty-one years.
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £36:00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank.
    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.
    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
    Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation, (income, debts, assets and liabilities), must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me.
    I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
    Please press the buttons as follows:
    1.) To make an appointment to see me
    2.) To query a missing payment.
    3.) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4.) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5.) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6.) To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7.) To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
    8.) To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may; on occasion; involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    Please credit my account after each occasion.
    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, financial year.
    Your Humble Customer,

    Feel free to use it, or something similar,when writing to complain to your bank.

  51. Ha, ha!

    Good one, Mac – you are a serious star

    What a funny start to the day it was reading your comment! just how I feel at times: the automated service drives me nuts

  52. Just had a really grovelly call from the bank manager. She sounded so pathetically apologetic I didn’t have the heart to go for the jugular! (maybe that’s what the stake was for) I even put her on hold for five minutes to see if I could get away with it!

    This seems to be betraying my better nature and I honestly didn’t think I had one. Perhaps I won’t evict the orphans and old Mrs Pomfrey on Christmas Eve this year for a change.

    Unfortunately, having personal feelings given the way my company works is probably cause for disciplinary action.

  53. Joe, I think your talents are wasted in dealing with junior bank managers. You should be handling the terrorist issue. When you get the handwritten apology from Bin Laden, please post a picture.

  54. He who hesitates is lost, and Oxford hesitated.

    The English entry into the Narnia Rap Battle has been decided: Cambridge. Lewis must be thinking “Screwtape that!

    I TOLD you people to get rapping. Now you’re stuck with this to represent your country in the Great Narnia Rap Battle. Hoodie-wearing, underfed nerds who attempt to rhyme “Narnia Rap” and “Internet.”

    The horror, the horror.

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